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Marriage brings up some tricky questions.
Even if it seems common sense to set clear expectations with your fiancé before getting married and starting a life together, it’s surprising how many engaged couples think that being in love equals having the same set of values.
So few couples know the right relationship questions to ask before marriage. They falsely believe that they are going to go through marriage together as husband and wife, just as harmoniously as they navigated their relationship in the beginning.
But marriage brings new obstacles and hurdles to relationships that can pop up after a happy engagement.
So, before you tie the knot and get married, it’s important to sit down with your fiancé and ask each other deep questions about your past, present and future as a couple.
You’ll be glad you did!
Now that you’re engaged, here are 100 deep questions to ask your fiancé before marriage that affect your future together as husband and wife.
When it comes to having children and starting a family …
1. Do you want to have children?
2. How many?
3. When do you want to start trying?
4. What are you willing to do if we can’t have children naturally (IVF treatments, surrogate, egg donation, sperm donation, adoption)?
5. What if we agree either not to have or to have kids, and I change my mind?
6. What are the three most important values you are planning to teach our children?
7. What kind of parenting approach are you planning to implement?
8. What kind of punishment is appropriate or not appropriate?
9. When we start having children, how do you envision your share of responsibilities?
10. What is your perspective of having one of us being a stay-at-home parent?
11. If you or I have children from a previous relationship, how do you envision our blended family?
12. If you have kids from a previous relationships, what role are you willing to take or would like me to take with the step-children?
13. How do you feel about my family?
14. Who is your favorite and least favorite family member on my side and on your side, and why?
15. How often are we going to visit or receive visits from our families?
16. How do you expect to spend the holidays?
17. Do you plan to live near your parents or move near them as they get older?
When it comes to sex and intimacy …
18. What are your expectations regarding sex?
19. How open are you to telling me if you are not satisfied sexually?
20. What do you enjoy most about sex?
21. Do you consume pornography and, if so, how do you feel about it?
22. What turns you on most about me?
23. Have you ever have doubts about your sexuality?
24. Do you think I am physically affectionate enough in our relationship?
25. Do you think you can trust me enough to discuss our sexual differences, concerns or fantasies?
26. Is there anything that is off limits sexually?
27. Do you agree to bring up any attraction you are feeling outside of our relationship before something significant develops?
When it comes to dealing with conflict …
28. What is your conflict style (avoidant, accommodating, compromising)?
29. How did your family deal with conflict growing up?
30. How do you usually express anger?
31. How comfortable are you with having arguments or disagreements?
32. What do you think our perpetual conflicts are (those based in personality or lifestyle differences)?
33. What part of me is most annoying to you?
34. What would be an example of a resolvable conflict in our relationship?
35. Can you think of an example of a conflict we had that you felt we dealt with successfully?
36. What would be unacceptable to you in a disagreement?
When it comes to relationships and commitment …
37. What was a time when you felt most connected and loved in our relationship?
38. How can we make a conscious decision to tell each other if we feel we’re being taken for granted?
39. What does our commitment mean to you?
40. What is the most romantic thing we have done together, and why?
41. Why do you want to be married, and why do you want to be married to me?
42. What are the three things you most appreciate about me?
43. What are the three things you most admire about me?
44. What first attracted you to me?
45. How do you envision your life in five years? In 10? In 20?
46. What is your definition of infidelity?
47. What do you love about me that you hope never changes?
48. What do you think you will have to give up when we get married or move in together?
49. Is there anything you would like me to change or give up after we get married?
50. What kind of partner do you aspire to be?
51. Do you need to have some time alone and, if so, how often?
52. Are you willing to schedule one evening a week to regularly sit down with each other and catch up about deep stuff?
53. What support do you expect from me in hard times (illness, death, unemployment), and what does that support look like?
When it comes to finances …
54. How much money do you make?
55. How much debt do you have (student loans, credit card, mortgage), if any?
56. How comfortable are you borrowing money?
57. What was your family’s attitude towards money, and how do they resemble to yours?
58. Are you more a saver or a spender?
59. Are we going to make it a priority to save money together?
60. Do we sign a prenuptial agreement before we get married?
61. Do you agree to consult with me any significant expense ahead of time, even if you are planning to use your own money?
62. Are you comfortable creating a budget for our married life together?
63. How are we going to share the expenses after we get married?
64. Are we going to have a joint bank account?
65. If you have an ex or children from previous marriages, what are your financial obligations to them?
66. Do you have any other financial obligations to another person, whether for legal or moral reasons, that I should know about?
67. What is important to you financially — owning a house, a nice car, expensive clothing, traveling?
68. What is more important for you, the size of a house or its location?
69. Do you plan to buy or rent?
70. How important is contributing to charity to you, and which charities are your favorites?
71. Who is going to pay the bills?
When it comes to communication …
72. How comfortable are you with me sharing my feelings, even if they are negative?
73. How do you feel when I disagree with you?
74. Would you tell me a white lie to avoid hurting my feelings?
75. Is there something in the way I say things when I’m angry that makes you feel criticized?
76. Do you think I nag too much?
77. Have I ever disappointed you or caused you pain?
78. Have we talked through those times and resolved them, or are they still affecting our relationship?
79. Is there anything about me that attracts you now but might annoy you over the years?
When it comes to work …
80. If I get offered my dream job in another part of the country, would you be willing to move with me?
81. Would you be OK with me quitting my job to take care of our children?
82. What if I can’t stand my work situation, and I just need a break?
83. What are your career goals in both the near and distant future?
84. Would you be understanding if I worked long hours for extended periods of time?
When it comes to lifestyle preferences …
85. What does your ideal day off look like?
86. What does your ideal vacation look like?
87. How do you feel about my single friends? Would you be OK if I partied with them once in a while?
88. What is your attitude towards drugs and drinking?
89. How do you feel about my cleanliness and neatness standards?
90. How will we divide the chores?
91. Are you OK hiring help to clean?
92. Who will do the shopping and cooking in our relationship?
93. How often do you plan to eat out? And what kind of restaurants do you enjoy most?
94. How important is for you to eat at the dinner table, with no TV or electronic distractions?
When it comes to faith and spirituality …
95. What are your spiritual or religious beliefs?
96. How important is for you to keep a spiritual or religious practice?
97. How involved are you in your spiritual or religious community?
98. How much do you expect me to be involved in your spiritual or religious activities?
99. Do you expect our children to be raised with a certain spiritual or religious faith and, if so, what would that look like?
100. Do you expect our children to go through certain religious rituals, such as a baptism, bar or bat mitzvah, or first communion?